You know, we should really embrace Rebecca Black. She’s just so good at being annoying. So good, in fact, that even Rebecca Click to read more »
Have you ever wondered what it would be like, to look at ‘life’ through the eyes of Neal, right?
Well, wonder no longer. Now you can, thanks to the huge technological advancements of “Neal TV.” Click the TV image below to open it, and then click “Remind me later” to reject all the download and ad crap.
This guy introduces his infant daughter to his identical twin brother for the first time. Right from the get-go, she’s confused and just keeps looking back and forth at the two of them.
I can’t help thinking this is just a little cruel. Kinda like child abuse, but with smiles. And you can’t be angry at smiley child abuse. So we’ll have to let this one slide…
While they were looking to get their Globes, I was looking to catch a look at theirs.
Very nice: Reese Witherspoon She was so hot in that aqua dress that I have completely forgotten about her drunken arrest last year. That chin looks like it could do just the right kind of damage, if she placed it in just the right crevice.
Made Me Hate Myself While I Rubbed Myself: Jessica Chastain Classy elegant fire down below! She looked like a very naughty and promiscuous princess.
Moisture-inducing: Usher Yes, he’s responsible for Justin Bieber. But even that won’t convince your wife or girlfriend to turn on this CHOCOLATY DELICIOUS CHUNK OF FUN.
Best Pasty Flasher: Robin Wright Why did the night’s only wardrobe malfunction have to happen to a 47-year-old woman with too much self-respect to take a chance on flashing nipple? Couldn’t they have found SOMETHING to nominate Miley for?
Most Insane Shoulder Piece: Paula Patton Speaking of Miley, how could ANYBODY think Robin Thicke would be interested in her when he’s got THIS waiting for him at home? I don’t even know what that white blob on her shoulder is supposed to be, and yet I’d STILL bang the granny out of it.
Cutest Spinners: Mary Lou Retton, Hayden Panettiere If you don’t know what a “spinner” is, check out the Urban Dictionary. But ensure you have wipes to hand if you’re eating or drinking. And yes, I would STILL do it to Mary Lou, because you KNOW she’s still just as limber as ever!
Would NOT Throw Out of Bed: Zoe Saldana I’d love to go trekking into HER darkness.
WOULD Throw Out of Bed: Lily Rabe
Would Let Him Handle Me in the Bathroom Stall: Matthew McConaughey He still looks like he could gain a few pounds, but he fills out that tux nicely anyway. Unfortunately, he thanked his sexy wife during his acceptance speech. I don’t know why, but I kinda hate him for that. Quick, where’s my collection of very angry, overtly heterosexual porn?
Would Invite Her Into My Bathroom Stall: Kate Mara That’s a sweet valley of cleavage right there.
Would Maybe Allow A Bit Of Over the Bra in the Limo, But That’s It: The Derns! I’d let either one of them have me, while the other one watched. And filmed. Although I guess Laura would have to be the one filming. Bruce doesn’t look like he has the first idea how to work a smartphone.
At least, that’s the headline she was hoping we’d be going for on this post. I was going to go for, “Self-Centred, Egomaniac, Manipulative Fame Whore Super-Cunt Terrible Mother, Kris Jenner, Takes Short Break From Profiteering From Satanising The Last Drop Of Blood From Her Long Manipulated Offspring, To Post A Ridiculously Obnoxious ‘Tell Me I’m Pretty’ Photograph Of Herself And Her Million Dollar Sag Tidy Up, Next To A Swimming Pool”, but it, frankly, just made the titling look a bit clumsy.
So we went with that.
Also, my therapist says I need to make more of an effort to be positive.
And here we are.
When I was at school I was nicknamed “Charlie Chase”. By the sports teacher. Not because my name was Charlie. It still isn’t. It’s because I was forever chasing things, be it a ball, puck, or even other people, with zero success. Poor coordination. But I was better than this guy..… I didn’t ram into things like a twat.
At a recent high school hockey game in Utah, one of the players tried to ram into an opponent at full speed between plays. But the other kid jumped out of the way at the last second, so the other guy rammed headfirst into the BOARDS.
Luckily, he got back up and seemed okay.
Ok, so some kid took photos of himself mouthing the words to Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” every day for three years.
Then he turned all the photos into a time-lapse stop-motion video, so it looks like he’s singing it.
All I can say, is this reminds me of a toddler going potty. You know you should really clap, and praise him, but you can’t, due to your inability to get past what he’s done, which is essentially, force you to be utterly disgusted by the fact he’s unleashed a gigantic turd, right in front of you.
We’re here! 2014′s in full swing, and it’s gonna be awesome. Here are Ten Reasons To Be Excited About 2014.
One Everly Brother down, just one more to go!
This could be the year we get hover cars.
Three words: No. More. Leno.
You’re a Colorado munchies salesman.
If we’re lucky, perhaps the terrorists will attack Kim and Kanye’s wedding.
President Obama said it’s going to be a good year. And that guy’s never wrong about anything.
The Winter Olympics will give you your first chance in four years to have extended conversations about ‘luge’.
A new season of ”Game of Thrones” means fresh BOOOOOBIES!
Sofia Vergara is thankfully still completely unaware that tank tops come in sizes other than extra-small.
Gwyneth Paltrow is planning to break a personal record by attempting to go 15 seconds without doing something so pretentious, you’ll want to strangle her with a pair of $900 yoga pants.
When you’re a shit-tick nobody, and you have a really bad day, you can go on to your Facebook, and have a massive rant, and barely anyone notices, or even cares.
When you’re Lady Gaga, and you have a bad day, posting some textual smackdown on a social site just doesn’t cut it. Let’s face it, you’re the chick who can pick the phone up to reception, and say “drained pig liver, covered in gold and shaped like gigantic black dick,” and around 90 faithful servants are trained to know exactly what you want. You basically want a gold-plated, drained pig liver that’s around 11 inches long, so that you can rut yourself with it, while watching old Audrey Hepburn movies. That’s because you’re too cool to get off to “Sensual Couples” clips on Youporn. They’re just not sylish enough, and you want to ooze style out of your freshly feminised, amputated peen- stump. After all, you’re Lady Gaga, and there ain’t no one who’s gonna question that Andy Warhol inspired bullshit. And if anyone does, you’ll have a million little monsters to gang up on them, and call them out with inspiring tweets like “you wishes you were as kewl a Monster”, or whatever other imaginative insult 13-year-olds are coming out with to her haters these days.
Luckily, as Lady Gaga, you have your own website, where about a trillion annoying little farts are desperate to hear your first world gash about delayed album releases, and sadness over creative differences, and how you feel bad for letting everyone down.
If you really have nothing better to do, and reading this contrived wank will at least prevent you from shoplifting a tube of Smarties, or calling an old lady a “fuck head”, then I fully endorse you clicking this link.
Lea Michele posted revealing new bikini photos on her Instagram account.
This is what happens kids, when you spend your evenings ‘snapchat’ing your genitals to filthy old men who pretend to be 30 Seconds To Mars fans, rather than knuckling down to study so you can get into business school. If Leah had done that, she’d never have made the mistake of posting this.
You know, because if there’s one thing male “Glee” fans can’t get enough of, it’s scantily clad women.
This kind of video is nothing new, but since the weather in the west is so shitty right now, this felt appropriate to show you. Some doofus put boiling water in a Super-Soaker and shot it into the air while it was MINUS 41 DEGREES outside.
He doesn’t say an thing the whole time, but he doesn’t need to because the glazed look in his eyes tells you he was thinking something like “Huuuur huuur huuur huur…. I’m so cool huuuur”.
I have no doubt he then ate some old beer bottles and shat on a cat. Named Mr Tiddles. She’s never liked her name. She thinks it’s white trash but what can you do when this dude is your daddy?
Here we are then – episode two of the currently no-award winning listening experience that is Absolute Mayhem, with Neal Mayhem, Dolly Darkhorsie, and our deliciously slutty Producer Joanne.
Cynical SEO Tailored Talk Break
Mayhem And Dolly Discuss Stuff
As always, you can listen here, or you can find way more options, including subscribing through iTunes, and listening through the Absolute Mayhem App, here.
As always, please remember to leave us a review if you enjoyed the show.
The kid-friendly Moderate Mayhem version will be made available, soon.
With much love,
Things in the media business just aren’t how they used to be anymore.
Upstairs in the executive suites, up and down the land, they moan about the difficulties faced in an increasingly crowded market, with B to B conversions becoming near impossible. They also hark back to the days when the telephone would ring with agencies asking US for air time.
But I don’t give a tiny rat’s dick about any of that. I want the free shit. That’s why I got into this business. To get free shit. Dire Straits promised me I’d get it. Lying fuckers.
Sure, back in the day, I’d get some VHS tapes, (yes, I’ve worked in radio that long), video games, tickets to shows and concerts, promotional shirts, baseball caps and all other kinds of free crap.
Today, I got a legit photo signed by Katy Perry and John Mayer.
I hate both of them.
I guess it’s the thought that counts. That’s what I’ll tell the children’s hospital I’ll be dropping it off to later. “Hey, I know it ain’t 1 Direction with their fluff rashes showing, but be grateful you little snots, or I’ll shit in your jelly.”
What’s the best thing you’ve gotten?
I wasn’t there, but I can just imagine what school was like for Benedict Cumberbatch.
He almost certainly would have been given an insulting nickname. That totally gay (anything remotely middle class is gay, don’t you know that) sounding Benedict shit would have been the first to go. I’d like to think the kids would have had at least a little creativity, but I can’t help having sod all faith in the abilities of year 8 West London pupils, and have to slap my well-creased tattered ATM wanked-out £50 on the fact they went for something simple like “Derelict Bummer-catch.” Or “Bend Over Licks His Mum’s Snatch.” You just know it. Kids can be so cruel. If you went to school with him, let me know if I’m even close with that, will you?
Anyway, he’s laughing on the other side of his deeply pock-marked face now, because he’s super famous, and he’s in that shitty world where you don’t even have to look all that good to have the world’s sexy sluts wanting you to use them for sexy things. Like, with their faces, and their boobs and everything. Sometimes even their ann-ooses. It’s an amazing world, that one. Full of grapes, and goose down pillows, and Philip Seymour Hoffman’s otherwise hobo dick, inches down in hot Asian slut, in the way only the thin veil of fake delusion can provide for an ugly A-List fuck.
What really gives me a lump in my prostate, is the fact that when you look like them in the real world, even a hooker won’t take your money to blow you. But these guys get chicks who are not only free, but they’ll do it without expecting anything in return. When does that ever happen to us better looking normal men? Never. I mean, they might insinuate they’re sucking on your ‘furter because they enjoy watching you moan, but the truth is, they’re storing that. It’s gonna come out later, whether it’s at the checkout, as they guilt you out for even daring to hope they’ll pay, or at that moment when they want their super boring college friend to come round and talk about boring stuff, like Kafka, and the fiscal policy of the Dutch.
And as if he needed yet another reason for girls like Tanya – the 7-hours-in-the-gym high-class escort who will happily swallow your seed in a Travelodge twin room, provided you give her a bottle of Evian, and £40 for a cab fare home – to want to bang him for free, then this is it:
The UK’s third series premiere of Sherlock Holmes on the BBC opened to an average 9.18 million viewers, which is a third of the entire country’s television watching public, tuning in to see the bloke from “Love Actually playing the bloke from “Love Actually” with marginally better clothes, and the bloke who’s apparently so fucking cool, he even made the Star Trek bosses totally back down when he decided that even though he was cast for it, he didn’t care; he just wasn’t going to play that asshole Khan, and there wasn’t even a tiny flux-phaeton-grid-pulser-wave-generating beam residue stain that you, or any other nerdy basement dweller could do about it.
All this, despite the fact that he looks like something your despicable boss would shit out, during a seriously bad hangover.
He doesn’t even have the decency to have botox, in order to at least pretend he gives a flying toss what you think about his terrifyingly gross caterpillar eyebrows.
Man, those evil little snots did a real number on him.
Here’s something I figured you might enjoy listening to, as you reflect on your auld syne langing, and look ahead to not following up on your pointless resolutions.
As you may know, when I’m not doing this, whatever the fuck this is, being the whole Neal Mayhem thing, I write and produce stuff for radio stations all around the world.
Most of the UK ones have shut down their morning shows for this week.
Which is great.
Except I’m sick with tonsilitus, and confined to doctor-ordered bed rest, and my US stations are treating this like a normal week, and so I have to continue, in bed.
Which is not so great.
Nevertheless, here’s something I wrote, and my session singer Spence recorded, for some of our US morning show clients. It’s called “The Story Of The Year.”
It’s very UScentric, but not so much that you limey bastards won’t click with it.
Oh, and it’s set to a One Direction song’s backing track, just to make it ‘hip’ for you kids, as well.
Well, whadya know? It’s almost the end of 2013. I don’t know about you, but I personally found it a fairly hit and miss year. But it wasn’t without its lessons. Here’s a bunch of Things I Learned in 2013.
- All twerk and no play makes Miley a rich girl.
- Apparently, being Pope is a job that’s just as easy to quit as ‘McDonald’s assistant.’
- People will literally buy ANYTHING Apple tells them to.
- Someone should’ve probably elected Mitt Romney.
- Paul Walker’s friends can’t drive.
- Even though we DON’T live in the 1400s, the birth of a Royal Baby somehow still qualifies as “news.”
- Nelson Mandela is lucky he died before anyone could make him sit through the cloying biopic about his life.
- The “Hunger Games” movies are perfect for anyone who likes movies about fights to the death, where no one actually dies.
- Well, whatever we learned the government definitely learned, too.
- It IS possible for the Kardashians to get more annoying.
- Eventually, we will have seen every former Disney child star naked.
- No event, even the funeral of a major world leader, is too serious to take a selfie.
- Even shady offshore porn companies can build better websites than the US government.
- If you don’t write down and Instagram your resolutions, people won’t remember that you even had any, so all is forgiven.
- Amanda Bynes has really shitty taste in wigs.
Winter weather’s taking hold. Some people consider this to be good news. Here are my 7 Reasons To Be Glad It’s Winter.
- You get such a manly feeling pushing that 4-wheel drive button on the dash.
- Miley Cyrus might finally be forced to put some damn clothes on.
- You can pass off your cocaine-addiction as a tribute to Rudolph.
- Icicles make fingerprint-proof murder weapons.
- Catching snowflakes on your tongue is a fun way to take your mind off the job you don’t have, because it’s 2013.
- You’re a psycho.
- You much prefer not bothering to shovel snow over not bothering to rake leaves.
It’s been a long time coming, but we’ve finally released the ‘pilot’ episode of the new show “Absolute Mayhem.”
You can join myself – Neal Mayhem, Dolly, and new girl, ‘Producer Joanne’ over the coming weeks, as we delve head first into a world of insanity, and crazy antics. This first episode, like any other decent pilot, is just a scene-setter.
In the next few months, we’ll introduce you to other great features such as “Dare Dolly”, “Whore Wars”, and “Smash Up.”
But for now, this will just have to do. You ungrateful bastard.
Or, for a wave of options, including subscribing via iTunes, you can head here.
Please leave us a comment both here, and on our iTunes page, to let us know what you think.
You know, we should really embrace Rebecca Black. She’s just so good at being annoying. So good, in fact, that even Rebecca Black’s reaction to “Friday” is annoying.
I’m not a huge conspiracy theorist guy. I can assure you, I’m NOT a crazy, whacky, tin foil hat wearing, lizard fearing fanatic, and Paul Walker Didn’t Die In A Car Wreck.