Reasons You’re Probably Not Going To See “Straight Outta Compton”

  Because you’re Straight Outta Eton. Five black male leads, and not one of them is Samuel L. Jackson? This must be Click to read more »

Jurassic World Soundtrack Moan

Would it have killed them to add just ONE song from T-Rex??! Jurassic World / O.S.T. (Dig) by Michael Giacchino: Amazon.co.uk: Music Click to read more »

Barehanded Baseball Catch Caught On GoPro

Catching a foul ball at a baseball game is pretty cool, and doing it one-handed with no glove is cooler. Which is Click to read more »

Guess The Food Stuff

It’s time to play a fun game; Guess The Food Stuff. Click to read more »

Lady Gaga Is A Man – Photographic Proof

There have been whisperings about her gender for some time. I’m not staking claim to being the first to explore this isue, Click to read more »

 

I’m Frightened

I’m going to be homeless. And I have no idea what to expect. I don’t mind admitting it, I’m frightened.

No, this isn’t a sick joke.

Ok, let’s back up. This probably needs a back story….

I wasn’t born into money. My family was very working class. Everything we had was hard-earned by my father, via countless overtime shifts that his younger, lazier colleagues would invariably turn down.

Despite this, I feel blessed. I was able to come home from school, and go to sleep in an actual bed. I was able to enjoy the feeling of a warm shower, and could dry off in a room that was heated.

I could feel the comfort of clean sheets, in a relatively comfortable bed. I was able to take for granted all the things that many young people take for granted.

Homeless teenage boy and girl

There are thousands of kids who’d consider all of the above a luxury, and don’t often get to enjoy many of them.

Let me force you to read that again.

There are thousands of kids who would consider the street their home. They don’t have the blessing to be able to go to school, and get the education which you’ve enjoyed which has served you well, and enabled you to be able to read this on your screen.

homeless

How many times have you passed a homeless person in the street, while trying to stop your change from jiggling in your pocket?

“They’ll just spend it on drugs.”

“It’s probably their own fault that they’re there.”

What about some kid, in that same situation? Does that change your view?

Aside from the obvious considerations regarding the risk of being subjected to child sexual exploitation and other abuses, how would you feel if you were a young kid sleeping rough on the street, and dealing with life’s challenges without being able to go to your parents for advice and support? Or even just a hug when you need it?

How would it feel to not have your friends around you, encouraging you? Mentoring you?

Life feels pretty special now, doesn’t it?

So, are you perhaps now starting to understand why I might want to do something about this?

I’ve been brought close to tears by some of the stories I’ve been told by the guys at Action for Children, who are working tirelessly to get them off the streets and into a brighter future.

Last year, I played in a charity football match to raise money for them.

This year, I’m upping my game.

You may or may not know that I do some broadcasting with the hard working little team at JACK fm, based in Reading, Berkshire.

I’ve managed to drag a couple of the guys into joining me for a sponsored sleep out in October.

Here they are. Meet Jay, and Lucy.

byte nightEvery penny will go towards helping solve this ongoing issue, which needs to stop, right now.

So what can you do to help?

Well, actually there are a few things you can do, right now.

You can sponsor me, while I go out and do this whole sleeping rough thing. I’m totally not looking forward to it, but if I can see the ‘dollaz’ rolling into the bank, it will make the whole thing so much easier.

If the link doesn’t work for you, you could always text 70070 with ‘BERK70’. That will help tremendously, thank you.

For those of you who insist on making me really work for the cash, there’s a special one off night planned in the centre of Reading, at a bar called The Purple Turtle.

Logo old ptI’ll be hosting a benefit, and spinning out the tunes from behind the DJ console, in a bid to get you so off your tits on the music man, that you’ll happily part with your purple cornered notes. Ok, well at least a few of your little gold nuggets.

And if that’s not cutting it, I’m planning a couple of special Twitter events that will hopefully guilt the social media addicted into parting with some hard-earned. More on those soon.

So, I’m hoping that you’ll now have more of an understanding about why I’m doing this, and will get behind me.

Keep an eye on this site, for more ways you can help.

Thank you.

Neal

x

Reasons You’re Probably Not Going To See “Straight Outta Compton”

straight-outta-compton-MOVIE

 

  • Because you’re Straight Outta Eton.
  • Five black male leads, and not one of them is Samuel L. Jackson? This must be low budget.
  • Because who wants to go see a film about some “Nice White Accountants”?
  • Usually, if you see anything that’s straight out of Compton, it’s probably made by Massey Ferguson, and carrying bales of hay.
  • The only movie you’re going to see about music icons from the ’90s is “Return Of The Mack. Again: The Mark Morrisson Story”.
  • Yeah….Dr. Dre isn’t a real doctor and Ice Cube isn’t a real quantity of frozen water, so this film is just one giant lie.
  • Eazy-E sounds like something Rolf Harris might have slipped in women’s drinks.
  • Because it’s nearing the end of the month, and you’re Straight Outta Cash.
  • How good can it be, if they didn’t even cast Michael Caine?
  • If you want to experience something that glorifies drinking, drug use, violence, and nudity, you’ll pay a visit to your grandma’s book club.
  • You’re Nigel Farage.

 

It’s all just a bit of lighthearted fun. In fact, I love N.W.A. so much, I made a special mix in celebration of the movie’s release. Listen to it here.

Straight Back To Compton

Parental_Advisory_label

In tribute to legendary hip hop outfit N.W.A.’s movie “Straight Outta Compton” going on general release in the UK, here’s a quick mix, which takes us on a journey through some of my personal more memorable moments, and ends up Straight Back To Compton.

Click play below to hear it via the web player, or right-click the parental warning to download.

Oh… and yeah… Parental Advisory, some explicit ass lyrics. fo’.

      Straight Back To Compton (Explicit)

Flirting 101

If anyone needs help in the flirting department, I’m your girl

haha

I found out I was a 4 today

Ladies, just remember, you can go from hot to not by just rejecting a date.

haha

#douche

 

Yeah no…

Hey guys, maybe don’t have weapons in your pictures if you want to hook up with me? Unless it’s your weap…no nevermind, thats revolting

Yeah no

Win A FREE DJ For Your Party

party_1

 

The DJ is one of the most important aspects of your party.

With a bad DJ, you can bet your life’s savings that you’ll have a bad party.

Thankfully, you can win the chance to avoid having a really bad DJ at your party. You can win a FREE DJ. ME!

And I’m good, honest. Yay!

To be in with a chance of winning a night with me running your tunes, and keeping your crowd bouncing, click here.

Signs You’re A Narcissistic Prick

kim kardashian - minutes of mayhem

 

Psychologists and social critics say there’s a ‘narcissism epidemic’ and that we’re the most self-centered generation in history. Find out if that includes you with my list of “Signs You’re a Narcissistic Prick.”

 

  • You can’t snort cocaine because you always get distracted looking at yourself in the mirror.
  • You schedule ‘me time’ from 12 noon to 11:59 AM.
  • You’re a former Disney Channel star with a dried-up singing career who thinks the only way she can stay in the public eye is flashing side-boob.
  • You’ve never once flipped the camera lens on your iPhone outward.
  • The only reason you stare into other people’s eyes is to see your own reflection.
  • You think all those people are in that bar every Thursday night to hear YOU sing karaoke.
  • You ‘LIKE’ all your own Facebook posts.
  • You’re often compared to Kanye West.  Except without any of the grace and humility.
  • Every couple of weeks, you go on and on and on about your opinions, then click ‘stop’ on the recording, and upload it to the internet, calling it a ‘podcast’.
  • You know the 300 photos in your Facebook, which are all of you, in the same bloody pose?  Those.
  • You stopped paying attention to this post three minutes ago because it wasn’t written by you.
  • Your Twitter bio says ‘comedian.’ But your actual bio ends with ‘unemployed’.

This Girl Isn’t Auto Tuned

It’s ridiculous, but this girl’s voice has not been tampered in any way.

T-Pain; kill yourself.

Her name is Emma Robinson and she’s from Florida. She has some talent, so she’ll never make it. Expect to see her in some porn, soon. Or at the very least, “Sharknado 4”.

Women: Wanna ‘Furk’ Me? Feed Me!

eating apple

 

If you want to ‘seal her fate’, get her a plate.

I realise this is going to fly in the face of everything you’ve probably ever thought about precoital consumption, but when have I ever led you astray, Jedi? It turns out that a lot of women and, in fact, most likely all of them, turn evil when they’re hungry.

So feed them.

Experts found that as soon as a woman’s eaten, that’s the point that she’s the most open to the idea of romance.

To come to this conclusion, they ran a test where they starved 20 young women and then showed them romantic images while MRI scanning them.  That really went down well. They growled more than one of my ex girlfriend’s pubic areas.

Given something to eat first though, the MRI went down a lot more more succesfully, and they were much more responsive to romantic cues.

Of course, like the typically cowardly researchers that we’ve come to know and love, they made a whole plethora of excuses to cover their arses, in case the study were to eventually be proven to be complete bollocks. One was that it was a pretty small study, and that it didn’t study men.

Screw it. I’m down with it.

So there we have it; if you want to try to have sex, your best bet is after a meal.

That’s why I now plan on spending my Friday nights outside Chipotle.

Oh, don’t worry, kids. I will make sure I take precautions. I always carry a packet of facial tissues with me. Dirty chins are such a boner-kill.

 

Lujuria / Lust: Pecado Original (Gabriel S. Delgado C.) / CC BY 2.0

“Kim Kardashian ‘Nude Shocker’!!”

Sorry, but someone has to say it…

kim nude

 

Wouldn’t it be a better use of our time, if the press decided it was actually news when Kim Kardashian doesn’t post a ‘revealing‘ photo of herself online somewhere?

 

 

Things Jeremy Corbyn Can Do After He Loses The Labour Leadership Battle

Jeremy_CorbynJeremy Corbyn’s trying to win the contest for the right to run the Labour Party. He’s current favourite. It won’t last. He’s way too weird. Would you really want a guy that looks like your creepy uncle suddenly running your political party? No, me neither. Poor Corbs.

Oh well. Here’s a list of stuff he can do after he loses the Labour Leadership Contest.

  • Get signed off with stress. That is if he can get seen by an overworked GP that’s managed to avoid getting signed off with stress.
  • Spend a week shaving his beard.
  • Go to a charity shop to update his wardrobe with more recent fashion choices.
  • Go to any school, find out where the geography teacher does his classes, and then just ‘blend in’.
  • Dye his hair ginger, and enter every single one of the UK’s lookalike contests, as Robin Cook.
  • Open the under stairs cupboard. Dig out whip. Defy it.
  • Scowl at everyone and say, “Yes, I WAS the dude that brought Gerry Adams into parliament, and NO that isn’t in conflict with my Chairmanship of the Stop The War Coalition.”
  • Prank call Tony Blair.
  • Stalk and kill an endangered lion. Just kidding. Calm down, people.

Ed Isn’t Scoring Pretty Pussy (Cat Doll)

It’s being rumoured in showbiz circles that Ed Sheeran is dating Lewis Hamilton’s ex Nicole Scherzinger.

I can categorically, and exclusively, shoot that down as nonsensical PR guff. As a matter of fact, I have visual proof.

Here it is.

image

The universe just doesn’t work this way.

Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox is just an anomoly.

I like to pretend that didn’t happen.

Are You Me? Right, Then You Need This High Voltage Ejector Bed

bedIf you have to wake up, like ever, then you probably find that very challenging.

I know I do.

4am, or 4pm, it makes little difference. I WANT TO SLEEP!

But thanks to Colin Furze, our saviour of the universe, we now have a super effective way of ensuring we never miss that important meeting with the board of directors, or the hot new addition to grannydating.com, in the Tesco car park, ever again.

He’s created an alarm you’ll never sleep through, as it includes an air horn and two bells on the headboard.

If that doesn’t work, two hydraulic levers tip the entire bed up, emptying you onto the floor, like a discarded old trollop, whose *’blue sapphire’ eye shadow is no longer succeeding in fooling the hot young buck who’s brought her home.

God bless you Colin. I guess you’ll read this when you wake up.

And are immediately pancaked against your bedroom wall by your bastard bed.

*I have no idea if that is a real type of eye shadow. But I was too busy fantasizing about the trollop to be bothered to look it up.

No More “LOL.” It’s On The Dole. “ROFL”Is Next. And Then The Sext?

lolNo one’s saying “LOL” on Facebook anymore.

It’s joined the other great online institutions like “A/S/L”, and “I’m just gonna plug the modem into the telephone socket for about an hour and a half, honey. I really need to download this por… I mean…. Limp Bizkit’s new album, off Kazaa.”

Shit. We’re growing up.

Back in the days of chat rooms, when you wanted to acknowledge that something was funny, you’d write “LOL.”  I realise that if you’re under 25, that sentence sounds like complete jibberish.

Facebook did a whole study on every single post and comment for a week to see how we’re expressing ‘laughter’ online.

15% of us “laugh”..ed in at least one post.

51.4% used at least one “ha!”  So “ha!”, “haha!”, and so on and so forth.

33.7% used a laughing emoji.

13.1% wrote “hehe.”

And only 1.9% used “LOL.”

Young people were most likely to use emojis . . . older people were most likely to use LOL.

So there. No more ‘LOL’. Good.

Hopefully it’ll next be the turn of the ROFLCOPTER to crash and burn.

Closely followed by “LMFAO”.

And, “beard is strong.”

Fuck you, internet teens from the mid 00’s who just won’t die.

Birthday Greetz

Jurassic World Soundtrack Moan

Would it have killed them to add just ONE song from T-Rex??! :(

Jurassic World / O.S.T. (Dig) by Michael Giacchino: Amazon.co.uk: Music

Source: Jurassic World / O.S.T. (Dig) by Michael Giacchino: Amazon.co.uk: Music

Beyoncé Is Straight Pimping Out Some ‘Boring’ Vegan Diet

So, did Beyoncé just become Jay-Z’s 100th problem? Or, is it “bout time dat bitch baby mama start helpin’ pay some deez here bills, knatimsayin’?”

 

Source: Beyonce attracts criticism after ‘boring’ vegan diet announcement – People – News – The Independent

Kim Kardashian’s Older Now

kim kardashian

Happy Birthday, Kim Kardashian.

She’s 34 today.

She’s hard to buy for because she already has everything she could possibly want.

And even some things she doesn’t.

Oh, completely coincidentally……

Here’s a photo of herpes.

Enjoy!

herpes

 

Topical Facebook – The Whole U2 iTunes Thing

I mean, I hate to be a shit stirrer, but it is kinda what I’ve been put on god’s green earth to do. So here’s my way of reopening the whole ‘U2 are a bunch of wankers because they force their awful middle of the road tragic rock music onto anyone who has a device with a name that starts with an ‘A’, ends with ‘E’ and rhymes with ‘Wapple’. Or ‘Sapple’. Or ‘Dapple’, debate’.

Yeah, go me.

Huh!!

*Thrusts groin. Even though it’s currently sore from a recent burning incident involving tea*

 

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