Michael Douglas Got Cancer From Cunnilingus

michael douglas cunnilingus at minutesofmayhem.com

While far from original, I thought “The Game” was one of the best movies of all time. But his starring role in a mystery thriller isn’t the reason I’m making Michael Douglas my brand new hero of the week. It’s actually because he got cancer from cunnilingus.

We all thought it was years of smoking and drinking that gave him the nasty throat cancer.  But no.  It was vagina.

Michael Douglas says that being generous with the sweet cunnlingus led to his being diagnosed at stage four:

“Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus.  I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it.  But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer.”

HPV at minutesofmayhem.com

The HPV virus. How can something so pretty make your naughty parts look so gnarly?

Yeah, you’ve gotta be careful where you put that slimy little muscle. This one time, when I was on a Greek island, I gave sexy tongue time to what I didn’t know at the moment of action, was the daughter  of one of the Pogues.  I was 23.  She said she was 21, but it turned out she was 17. Barely. Don’t worry, I had my punishment; my throat got sore, and my tongue went green. My doctor tried to hold back the giggles as he asked, “Mr Mayhem, have you been doing anything unusual lately?”

He then gave me some cool grey pills and I was right as rain a week later. Although I still couldn’t pee straight.

Now, I’m imagining any black men reading this right now are smiling like Angelina Jolie and her cheque-book at an African children’s ward, because they know they now have the perfect excuse to not have to whiff the pearly pearly.

But don’t get too used to showing off those gold teeth. It seems if you drink too much of that gin and juice and make a mistake, it’s just like a vaccine. The cure is the cause.

Mickey explains;

“And if you have HPV, cunilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Eight weeks of therapy and radiation have now made Michael Douglas cancer-free for more than two years.  It’s thought that, in most cases, this type of cancer doesn’t come back.

Unfortunately, the idea that french-kissing a cochie is the solution, as well as the cause, may be about as medically accurate as a filler-episode of “House”.  You’ll probably not be able to inadvertently diagnose the treatment while testing for lupus for the 900th time  this year.

Head and neck surgeon Mahesh Kumar says;

“Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system.  But medically, that just doesn’t make sense.”

I am getting the vibe that you’re reading this right now,  and you’re starting to sweat and panic, because all of this sounds a little too close to home. Maybe you have HPV? Don’t panic and waste time torturing yourself on WebMD. You’ll just end up diagnosing yourself with AIDS by the end of lunchtime. Here, you can sort yourself at home with this (don’t worry, I won’t be able to tell that you’ve ordered it):                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

catherine zeta-jones at minutesofmayhem.com

Catherine Zeta-Jones. She may or may not have a warty fanny. It wouldn’t stop me, and I know it wouldn’t stop you either.

One thing of note: Michael Douglas didn’t say he got HPV from performing on his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones. And back in the day, he was once an admitted sex addict.

Since he’s all better, perhaps it would be acceptable to even suggest that Catherine has been part of the cure?

She should put herself forward for clinical trials. As in, have her laying back, feet up on stirrups, and have men with throat cancer line up to give her some mouth magic.  I’d be one of them. Damn right, I’d take the risk.  She’d be worth it. It would make for one hell of a Linkedin endorsement.

 

Neal Mayhem
By Neal Mayhem

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